Adventures In Dad Land

Well, today we had to take Adam to see the doc about acid reflux. That’s kind of like heartburn. It sucks. He has it, just like Annie did but he’s on meds and is doing well because of them. Today was just a check up to see if it’s working well.

So we walk in and there’s a woman with a baby and a Playboy diaper bag. Bleached hair, inch-long black roots, and gold slippers. I doubt the common sense of anyone who has a Playboy diaper bag.

Anyway, we take Adam to the examination room and lay him down and the nurse says to take his clothes and diaper off.

Taking the diaper off a boy is always a dangerous thing. There’s a weapon being housed in there after all.

I take the diaper off and he has pooped. No big deal. I grab some wipes and wipe him down because he has to be naked to be weighed. Well, as I’m wiping him down he flexes and a ton more poop flies right out of his butt.

By the way, a disclaimer: this blog deals with bodily functions. If this bugs you, you should probably stop reading.

Anyway, it’s pretty bad, like pushing the pump on a Play Doh toy and making a tube or something. So I’m waiting for him to be done so I can clean him up to get weighed. I’m holding his legs up so there’s as little mess as possible and he decides that NOW is the time to pee. So he let go and peed all over the place. Well, less all over the place and more all over his face. It was a direct hit. The best part is that he was shocked about this shaking his head like “WHAT’S GOING ON?! WHY AM I GETTING WET?!” And yet, the pee keeps coming.

So he finally finishes peeing and pooping and I clean him up and we weigh him (9.9 lbs by the way) and he’s crying as I take him back to the examination table and he locks his legs and I tell Kim it’s crazy, it’s like he wants to stand up. She looks away from the nurse and to Adam and apparently she looked like she was on fire and Adam decided he was going to put her out with the only tool he had available. He peed on her. It wasn’t like she was close either, she was a good distance away, but he still let her have it. I laughed hysterically. Oh, the table was all wet, there was still the nasty diaper around, Adam was crying, Kim was now wet, the nurse wasn’t too happy but here I was in uniform and clean as clean can be. Amazing.

Ah, being a dad…