A Dad's Required Shopping List For The Soon-To-Be Dad

OK, so you're thinking about having a child or you're already getting ready to have a child. Here are some tips and advice a dad has for you.

Of course you don't have to take this advice if you're set on being completely wrong and torturing yourself as your kid grows up.

1) You need Mylicon. It's a gas relief liquid that is safe to use on babies. I'm telling you right now, babies, they're gassy. They need this stuff. If they don't get it, they'll get gassy in the night, wake up because they are uncomfortable, realized they have pooped and that they're hungry and that it's about time you got up to ease all of their aches. Buy it. Buy lots of it.

2) Teething tablets. Have you ever been hurting and some douche didn't give you what you needed to make you feel better? Say your stomach was really hurting and some ass had a bottle of Pepto and they would not give you any. "No way man, I'm saving it for when I hurt." You don't want to be that guy, right? No way. Your kid will hurt when they teethe. Ease the pain.

3) Baby Tylenol. OK, this is the third drug I'm recommending and I don't want you to think this is a blog about keeping your kid drugged up because honestly, that's not what I recommend, but sometimes your kid is in extreme pain or has a fever that won't come down and you do not want to NEED this and not have it. Best to have it and not need it. Especially when your kid gets their first shots. This will be the first time your kid will ever experience REAL pain, pain they have NEVER experienced before and you'll want to do anything to ease the pain.

4) Swaddle sacks. Babies like being wrapped up tight and restricted in movement (that's how they've been for about nine months by now) and when they sleep and they are NOT in a swaddle they flail their arms (can't be helped), wake themselves up, and honestly, they're uncomfortable. When you go to Target or Wal-Mart or wherever you are going to buy them, don't go cheap. The cheap ones a) do not keep the baby warm and b) they don't last long at all. You need to buy the ones that have a ton of velcro on it (that looks super durable). You'll use them for every nap, and every bed time. They are GOLD when you have a newborn.

5) BUY SOCKS. This isn't so much a newborn thing, but when your kid starts wearing shoes (and socks hopefully) they will lose their socks. You will lose their socks. Their socks will hardly ever match (if you're anal about this, buy all of your socks in one color) and you will always be looking for that one freaking sock that disappeared.

6) While we're on feet: Don't buy expensive baby shoes. 30-40.00 for a pair of shoes is way too expensive and they WILL outgrow them with a quickness that will blow your mind. When you do buy shoes though, make sure the backs of the shoes are tough and stiff. My god, they need to be. If you can bend them without any real effort, just put them back and find a pair you can't.

7) PJs. I don't know what genius decided it was smart to sell PJs with two shirts and only one pair of pants. Watch out for this trick.

8) More than one set of bedding. For obvious reasons.

9) You need to buy a GREAT BIG BOX of chill pills. It's stressful raising a kid, sure, but it's one experience after another that you will not be able to experience again (at least with this particular child) so enjoy it. When you get past whatever phase your kid's in you're going to wish you had RELAXED more and enjoyed it as much as possible.