A Confession And Possible Addiction

My wife often says to me “Russ, you spend way too much time on the computer.”

I guess she’s right, too.

I come home from work and check my email and boards taking approximately five or so minutes and then get out of my uniform and into my comfy pants (PJ pants) and then I spend the rest of the night with my wife and daughter. I really try to spend as much time with my daughter as possible because I really don’t see her that much and know that in a while, I’ll see her even less because I’ll be gone on business.

When I’m gone I often think of how much time I’ve wasted doing this or that instead of being with her, so I’ve really tried to change my habits. I’m really trying to be the best dad I can be.

But then Annie goes to bed and I’m on the computer with a quickness that has to be seen to be believed. It’s the kind of quickness where all of a sudden there’s a Russ-shaped smoke pile like in the old cartoons.

I get on and check my email and boards, maybe write a blog or two, check out the statistics of people visiting both of my blogs, and maybe poke around a bit.

My line of thought has always been that if I’m just sitting there clicking “refresh” or just surfing aimlessly then yeah, I would have a problem. But I do stuff on the internet and there’s always a purpose.

I think it stems from this town, actually.

If I do have a problem, it’s this stupid town’s fault. The guitar store count is ONE and the people that work there, though nice enough, are not really people you would go to visit with. No one in town likes the same kind of music I do and if I want to play with anyone that even has an inkling of the same taste, I’ll have to drive about 45 minutes north.

There’s nothing to do and no one to do it with and since music is a passion of mine, something I care about very much, being in this town feels borderline suffocating. And sure, some of you out there might be saying “it’s only music,” but music is VERY important to me and without it, or talking about it, or being associated with it in some way, I feel like… I don’t know, like I’m missing out.

I know it’s “just” music and I can LIVE without it, but I don’t want to. I’m addicted to music and that is fine with me. I don’t mind the idea of being addicted to music in some way or another. Even if it’s just two people talking about music I’m listening and probably enjoying it even if I don’t agree with what they’re saying.

And maybe it’s this addiction to music that caused me to go to the internet, to message boards, blogs and podcasts. Maybe I’m just constantly hungry for more and more music and music stuff. In almost every other aspect of my life the trend runs in a similar way of me becoming almost obsessed with something and it building up to an apex when it collapses and I walk away from the addiction. The duration of obsession varies but with music it hasn’t waned at all.

There have been times when I’ve been so unsatisfied with my guitar playing I’ve toyed with the idea of giving it up. I think that with the money I spend on strings, pedals, amps, cords, straps, picks, etc. etc. I could be buying music. But the love of playing swings back and I laugh at the idea of giving it up.

Maybe it’s the fact that there isn’t enough conversation and my hunger, my flat out HUNGER for this kind of talk can’t be met that causes my obsession to go on without climax. That doesn’t sound too far-fetched.

I definitely think that the problem here doesn’t lie with me, I don’t think I have a problem. It isn’t like I’m siphoning money away from my family’s grocery fund to get a fix and buy strings. I’m pretty practical and I understand that I can’t buy a new guitar every month, can’t even buy strings every month. I’m fine with that so I don’t think I’m too bad. I buy MAYBE six CDs a YEAR so I don’t think I’m too bad.

Come on, people. Have a heart. As obsessed with my music as I am, I am not SO obsessed that I’ve lost all rationale.

But as far as the internet goes, I don’t know. I guess I could have a problem. That problem is this stupid, ridiculous, waste of time glorified truck stop of a town.

I thought I lived in a bad place when I lived in Biloxi, MS, but this place makes Biloxi look like heaven. There I played music with people, the guitar stores (more than one) had quality stuff, and there was always someone to talk music with.

Maybe this had something to do with the fact I was in high school. Maybe when you graduate you lose all love for music. Maybe it had something to do with my dad who, even though he probably wasn’t interested at all in guitar or music in general was always there to at least pretend to listen to me rattle on about new models from different companies, what’s going on with this band and that band, and he’d give my music a shot.

Now I’m an adult and drive by myself to work and there’s no one to talk to about music.

Honestly the lack of people to talk about music to is almost CERTAINLY the reason that I’m driven to the internet so much but it seems like maybe I shouldn’t feel that push toward the internet if I was truly a well-functioning member of society. Perhaps ANY obsession is a bad one, no matter how controlled?

Sometimes I think that at least I’m not a car guy, spending all of my spare time in the garage hitting things with wrenches and completely disregarding my family.

*Sigh*

I don’t know. Maybe I DO need help. I can’t imagine a life that has anywhere near the same awesomeness if it didn’t have music in it.