Sometimes....

When you have a child you lose almost everything that had made you you. You're now a role model, a teacher and if you're worth anything at all, you aim to be the best you can. You give up any dreams you might have had of traveling abroad having adventures, not being tied down and basically living the life you thought you'd have when you were in college or high school, all because you want to provide the best surroundings, the most stable surroundings for your child.

At least, I do.

But when I was a kid I saw how miserable my dad was with his job and hoped that I would never have to be like that. He wasn't a happy man. He doesn't strike me as the happiest now, either even though his life has changed radically since I was a child.

Now here I am, providing stable surroundings and trying to be the best dad possible but I feel like... like I'm not doing it right. Like there's something I'm missing. I don't think I'm a failure, but I feel like it.

I feel awful.

Right now.

I don't know, right now it seems like the only thing that makes life worth it is my little girl and I'm losing touch with myself little by little. I lie all the time, or exaggerate, but what's that but lying really? I do it all the time because I don't think my life is that interesting to begin with. I see people's eyes drift off and in order to pull them back in, to get some attention, I start blowing things up.

Sometimes their eyes don't wander and I do it anyway because the story's not that interesting to me. What does that say about me? That I don't even interest myself. I'm left alone so often except by two people at work. I think they come around only because they're bored.

I just feel worthless and I wonder if my dad felt the same way when I was growing up. Did he feel like he was failing little by little because he couldn't find something, SOMETHING that would help him in his quest for something he didn't even know he was looking for? I wonder why he couldn't have kept a journal growing up, all through his life explaining his rationale for certain events, laying out his feelings like he never did verbally. It could really be a help, I bet.

I just can't seem to get a grip on what's going on.

*sigh*